Chris

You met us when my wife was crying. You probably met a few of us like that. Our marriage was in a rut (dangerously close to a grave) when I met you Friday morning over breakfast. My wife woke up telling me she wasn’t going to the seminar. I then prayed over her and prayed that I would run into you. God brought us together at breakfast and what a difference it has made ever since. I just wanted to let you know that by God’s grace we are back on track and have been doing a courageous conversation weekly. I typed the questions out, write out our conversation and then refer to them during the week as a reminder. I just wanted to thank you for ministering to us in our time of need. Thank you for being a true servant of God. From our whole family!!

Dear Chris

I’m grateful to the Lord for what He is doing in my life and in the life of my family through your ministry. We have done many of the things that sincere Christian people do to improve relationships in their family and attended many Seminars and ATI Training Conferences. Each time we would come home and things would go fairly well for a while but were missing some ingredients in our family that would draw us closer to each other and the Lord. Anyone looking from the outside would think things were quite fine and an example of a wonderful Christian family. The courageous conversation exercise has been the one tool that has done more for us in helping us get to real issues and pursue each other’s hearts. Through that tool we find ourselves moving toward each other and separating out the issues in a clearer way than ever before. I’m especially blessed with two precise women, my wife and daughter, who keep me on point and don’t let me wander or change the issue to my issue when it’s their issue.

Father from Florida

My Dear Brother Chris Hogan,

Before I spoke to you and you took me through a “courageous Conversation” I must tell you of where I had been and what God has been doing. My 16 year old daughter and I were almost not talking. This is something I ached about. Both my parents and my wife’s parents are divorced. My Grandparents on my mother and father’s side were divorced. My wife and I are committed to each other for as long as we both live, and that’s our word. My daughter has been slipping away and has asked for reconsideration on her promise of courtship. This put me on my face before God. After much prayer, I realized that unless she desired to practice courtship it would fail. I freed her from her commitment. I went to our July HSC meeting and requested prayer for my relationship with my middle daughter. I had no peace and tried to fight off fears of the continuation of what I believe to be a generational sin – divorce. Most of my friends and other fathers had explained something about having a “courageous conversation”. They greatly encouraged me to attend conference and hear about this “courageous conversation”. My family and I have been planning to attend the August conference in Indy. Now I knew I must go.

A few days later I tried to have just a causal conversation with my daughter on the phone while on my way home from work. The short answers and seeming disregard for the conversation drove me to call headquarters and find out what was it that I had done and could I do something to reverse it. The young lady that answered the phone could surly hear the stress in my voice. I asked for counseling regarding my daughter and she asked me if I would like to speak to Chris Hogan. Brother I did not know who you were but said sure – what do I have to loose. The more prayer the better I have always thought. You were unavailable. I Praise GOD! This required me to look inward and ask God where I was wrong. I had been angry and short with my family in the past. Though prayer and being accountable to my wife she stated that I had made great progress in this area. My eldest daughter without prompting stated that I had been gentler in dealing with family issues, but my middle daughter was still distant.

You called me one afternoon and had a “courageous conversation” with me. I tried to answer as frankly as I knew how. You then explained to me how to have this same conversation with my daughter. I have had my first. She started the conversation by stating how she did not understand why I would not let her do certain things when she did not see anything wrong. I asked her if I could share my heart with her and she agreed. I tried to briefly explain and then I asked her what the most important thing in her life was… In our van in the church I had my first courageous conversation (at least part of one). Two days later my daughter had car trouble. She had run one of our cars without oil until it died. Praise the Lord!!! We talked about it and she cried about the loss. I wish we had not lost a car but we talked about it! I would rather loose two cars than not be able to talk to my family. I am scheduled to take my middle daughter out for dinner tonight, just the two of us. I will try to have another courageous conversation. In God’s timing we will have a conversation about courtship. May God BLESS you more that you can ask or think! You have blessed me and given back to me a priceless jewel.

A newly initiated courageous father

Chris, I must tell you more of how God has truly blessed my family as a result of having courageous conversations. My wife and I arrived home from the Indy ATI conference Saturday evening. We needed a few groceries. My wife and I left my teenage daughters home. They were to unpack. I received a phone call at the grocery store from my middle daughter. She is the daughter that about a month ago would barely speak to me until she and I had a courageous conversation in the car one night a couple of weeks ago. It seems an argument had occurred at home between my youngest daughter and my eldest over something that seemed to be of no consequence… When I arrived home with my wife I found my youngest daughter (14 years old) was closed off. She has her arms crossed tightly across her chest, an angry face, and was still sobbing. Even when my daughters have historically argued rarely had they gotten as angry as my youngest was now. I asked everyone to enter the living room. All daughters were noticeably upset with my youngest about to explode. I started by asking if everyone will try to be quiet and allow me to ask a few questions. Everyone would get a chance to speak. All of this was said in a calm quiet voice. I additionally asked if no one would interrupt the one speaking. I began by asking my youngest that I could see was very upset. (Question number 1) What is troubling you? The youngest replied that she had the cell phone and my eldest had the charger. My youngest wanted to charge the cell phone in her room. I repeated what the younger said and with that my middle daughter reported that the younger was not being accurate. I gently responded to the middle that she would have her turn but I would like for her (the middle daughter) to listen with her heart. (Question number 2) I repeated the description of the irritation which I was surprised to find was directed to my eldest daughter and asked if there was anything else. With that my youngest daughter looked at me and after a few moments looked down and stated that the middle daughter needed to keep out of things that were not her business. I repeated and asked again. My youngest daughter looked at the floor and began to cry much softer and said that the middle daughter had called her a name. I do not know what the name was and it is really of no value to the story. I asked her why she was crying and my youngest daughter said “because it was true”. I fully realized that my youngest believed a lie from the father of all lies. I pause and went to her and spoke a blessing in the form of a prayer. I reassured her that “it” (the name) was a lie. I asked her again if there was anything else and she said no. I suffered a sever brain cramp or something. I froze up like an ill prepared freshman taken midterms. I grabbed the coffee cup you joked about and cheated on the remaining questions! Thanks for the “cheat notes”! (Question number 3) I asked her how this made her feels. My youngest said she was very hurt. (Question number 4) I asked her what she thought would happen if nothing changed. My middle daughter noticed I was consulting the cup and asked me what was on the cup. I told her I was having a “courageous conversation” thinking she would catch on. It turns out that she chose to leave the students cessions for ice or something and missed your entire discussion on the subject. I was initially disappointed but chose to overlook and move on. (Question number 6) I returned to the questions which I did poorly at best with number 4 and asked her what she saw as her responsibility in the matter. My youngest stated, now in a calm manner, that she should not insist on having her own way and try to be more reasonable. She further stated that she had been wrong in insisting on having the phone in her own room. I was shocked and about to jump out of my socks. (Question number 5) I asked my middle daughter what she saw has her part in the matter. My middle daughter sighed and with little remorse asked my younger if she would forgive her. It was at this point I paused the Q&A cession and my heart broke. I told my family that a father at the conference stated that when we ask for forgiveness we should think of how we would ask God for forgiveness. I then directed my comments to my middle daughter and stated that if I were speaking to my Jesus about this I would fall on my face knowing full well that I truly deserved hell itself and ask for his mercy. My middle daughter held her head low and said to me that I was right. The middle then turned her comments to the younger and truly asked for her forgiveness and received it. All seems one but I continued with my youngest. (Question number 8) I asked her what one thing we must ask God to help her with and she said to be kind to her sisters and not be selfish. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT!!!! I asked her question 9 about what one thing we cannot fail to do and she did not understand. My middle daughter said that she needed to say out of other people’s arguments. My daughters hugged each other with prompting and the matter was settled in a manner never before done in my house. PRAISE GOD!

By the way I called home today returning a call from my wife and mymiddle daughter and I enjoyed a little small talk. All is not done but with God nothing is impossible.

Thank you and God Bless!

A couple from New Zealand stated: “Courageous Conversation” is the most inspirational & practical tool that has initiated a vision for an achievable successful relationship in marriage.

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