Zero to Hero
Oblivious to the Obvious
Husbands can never underestimate their ability to be oblivious to the obvious in trying to relate to their wives. All too often we are enclosed with a mental and emotional fog when we attempt to figure out what we have done to offend our wives. Being oblivious to her emotional hurts makes us instantly plummet from being her hero and mighty man of valor to being a zero.
A young man is often unaware that taking interest in the woman he wants to marry, rather than being interesting is what makes him irresistible to her. Shortly after he marries, circumstances reveal just how oblivious he really is to what made him so irresistible before marriage, and as he begins to digress in his attentiveness to his young bride, she sees this lack of interest as a sign of rejection.
The Core Question of a Woman’s Heart
Women have a different question than men, who need to know that they have what it takes. The deepest question of a woman’s heart is do you delight in me, will you pursue my heart? This core question is answered when a man is interested and willing to consider her troubles and know her soul in both adversity and in peace. As he does this, she begins to believe that, God delights in her, we delightful in her, and she is worth fighting for. When we fail to be a vessel God can use to affirm His love to our wives, they feel unwanted and alone. Our wives genuinely believe that we intentionally reject them when we fail to hear their hearts, and in disbelief they ask themselves
how we could be so insensitive, uninterested, and uncaring. A husband’s typical response is to feel threatened by his wife’s unhappiness because she is answering his core question with an emphatic “No! You don’t have what it takes to rescue me, you are weak and I take no pleasure in you.”
The Core Question of a Man’s Heart
The question men ask is “do you think I have what it takes as a man, are you well pleased?” When we see our wife’s sad face and respond with anything other than a wholehearted pursuit of her, we go from being her irrisistible noble leader to an unwilling selfish boy. This can crush even the most courageous man.
Because we are asking this question to the wrong person we live in constant threat of having our identity destroyed. David realized his only hope was in God, he knew God delighted in him and would deliver him out of all of his troubles. (See Psalm 18:19) When we ask our wives if we are measuring up, we are in a recurrent state of trepidation. Our wife feels abandoned when we don’t eagerly pursue her heart. Simultaneously, we fear that she will rebuff and despise us, so we don’t even ask. This reinforces her dejected answer, “No, you don’t have what it takes.” Men interpret this to mean that they are a failure and are inadequate, when the wife is really asking why her husband isn’t willing to pursue her heart in the midst of her adversity. (See Psalm 31:7-8.) A wife wants her husband to identify with her feelings, not just the urgent concern.
From Zero to Hero
A man can go from being a person who lacks courage in the face of danger to a man of understanding and strength through following a few standard operating procedures. He must realize first and foremost who he is in Christ. If he fails to remember that the life of Christ in him is his only hope of glory, he will lose courage and drown with his wife in the ocean of emotion.
Once a wife is flooded with emotions and tries to share them, the husband’s adrenalin kicks in, along with the natural response to fight or flee. “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death” (Proverbs 14:12). A man will become defensive by blaming, complaining, or explaining, which will only make his wife more emotional because she realizes that he is unwilling to know her true heart and affirm her core questions. This translates into feelings of rejection and will only increase the storm of emotion, which, in the end, can tear apart their relationship.
You can find out more about discovering your noble identity by clicking on A Noble Man’s Blessing .
The alternative to becoming antagonistic is to retreat because we don’t want to make things any worse. Our withdrawal shoots a negative answer to her question, “Do you delight in me, am I valuable enough to him that he will pursue me?” When we walk away from a conversation we make her feel abandoned, worthless, and unlovely. God’s heart is grieved when we do this because He wanted to use us to hear her heart so she would say as David did, “I love the Lord because He has heard my heart” (Psalm 31:7-8). The enemy of her soul comes in as quickly as we retreat, filling the vacuum of silence with poisonous lies, accusations, and half-truths. When we avoid the conversation we are actually shutting her up with her enemy instead of giving her a broad place to rest. (See Psalm 31:8)
God has called us as men to rise up and slay the enemy by being His vessel, ears, mouth, and eyes to affirm His thoughts towards our wives, who are His daughters. I have outlined a few steps that will resolve 70% of the issues on your wife’s heart. If you catch them early enough while she is in the pond of emotion it will be less threatening.
1. Provide your wife with a safe place to express her heart.
We can draw out the depth of our wife’s heart with wise and tender questions. “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5).
You will be providing a safe place by asking your wife, “Honey, what are some of the urgent concerns on your heart?” Then respond to her by saying, “So, what I hear you saying is . . . .”
You can find the rest of the questions to a courageous conversation by clicking on The 10 Questions of a Courageous Conversation.
These questions will be helpful when you need to come to a resolution by taking steps of action. Taking action by asking these questions is roughly 30% of the process. The other 70% is understanding her feelings about an issue. This can be done by simply asking her what is on her heart. To go deeper you can ask the more detailed questions outlined below:
Going Deeper
- What caused you to be upset? This question helps you understand the crisis that provoked and disquieted her heart. (See Psalm 38:8.)
- What question went through your mind when this happened? This question helps you understand the focus of her thoughts and how she arrived at her conclusion.
- How did you answer this question in your own mind? You can discover the stories she developed to fill in the gaps of the facts. (See Psalm 39:1-4) This question reveals the vain imaginations of the heart and helps you uncover the strongholds, false beliefs, and core lies at the heart level.
“I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; And hast not shut me up in the hand of the enemy . . .” (Psalm 31:7–8).
2. Help your wife identify her fears, frustrations, and feelings.
Do not explain, blame, or complain. Simply help your wife express verbally what she is feeling inside. Remember, your job is to rescue her from her fears that are under the surface of her issue; you want her to feel secure in your love because a wife can only share what is happening in her heart if she feels safe This is like doing reconnaissance on her heart and discovering how the enemy has been falsely accusing you or her. Helping her identify her feelings is how you begin to emotionally connect with your wife.
You can find a list of words to help a person identify their feelings by clicking on Soul Words.
Going Deeper
As you continue to grow in your communication skills you can go deeper by asking the following questions:- How did this make you feel about yourself, the problem, and others? Our reaction to the problem builds unrest in our heart (See Psalm 38:8). God promises that where evil flourishes, His grace will abound even more, keeping us from becoming victim to evil, or the weaknesses of others.
- What do you want to do because of these feelings? How did these feelings cause you to react?
- Words – What words did you say?
- Deeds – What did you do?
When David was able to identify his fears and talk to God about his failures and frustrations he eventually was able to say, “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why are thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance” (Psalm 42:5).
3. Take your wife to the throne of God’s grace.
After you have assisted your wife in clarifying her thoughts, and identifying her feelings she will be ready for you to take her into the throne of God’s grace. “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:12)
True spiritual leadership occurs when you can escort someone into God’s presence. Ask her, “What is the most powerful thing we can agree in prayer to ask God?” Then say, “Why don’t you pray first and then I will agree with you in prayer?” It is important to let her pray first, because you will hear her discuss her deeper heart issues with God, giving you a greater understanding of how to pray for her.
Going Deeper
If I since we need to go deeper I will ask my wife if she would be willing to now allow Jesus, her Mediator, Intercessor and High Priest to cross-examine her heart before God’s throne of grace. The accuser of the brethren has cross-examined her at Mount Sinai with the law and we have agreed quickly with her adversary but now it is time to allow the rest of the truth to be revealed. I then try to see through God’s eyes, and judge our circumstance by His character. We acknowledge that God is all loving, all wise and all powerful therefore He will use this situation for our good. I ask How could God work this situation out for our good? (See Romans 8:28, James 1, Romans 5)
G.R.E.A.T. Questions
I then ask my wife the following questions:
- Grateful
What can we be grateful to the Lord for in this situation? (See Phil 4:4-8.) - Rejoice
What name of the Lord can we rejoice in?* “Those who know the name of the Lord put their trust in Him” (Psalm 9:10). - Engraft
What Scripture verses can we engraft and meditate on during this crisis?
Life for the believer is found through meditating on and speaking the truth in our heart versus meditating on vain and wicked imaginations which lead to death. - Agree
What is the most powerful thing we could agree to ask God to do? - Triumph
What good things can we do to triumph over evil?
“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
4. Seek counsel to discern the Lord’s will
Finally, we can speak a word in season through sharing with our wives anything the Lord shows us as we search out His Word.
“The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary” (Isaiah 50:4).
“A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it” (Proverbs 15:23).
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
Ken Nair states in his book Discovering the Mind of a Woman “Contrary to popular notions, most wives do not want to occupy the throne in their marriages. A wife wants her husband to be her spiritual leader, but she is designed by God to feel secure only when she sees that her husband is not the final authority in their marriage, but that he is looking to God for direction and guidance.” (emphasis mine)
“I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons” (Psalm 16:7).
What is empathy?
Author Adele B. Lynne writes in her book The Emotional Intelligence Activity Book “Empathy requires the ability to understand how others perceive situations. This perception includes knowing how others feel about a particular set of events or circumstances. Empathy requires knowing the perspective of others and being very able to see things from the value and belief system of the other person. It is the ability to fully immerse oneself in another’s viewpoint, yet be able to remain wholly apart.” (emphasis mine)
This principle is crucial to your wife. She needs you to fully immerse yourself in her viewpoint so you can identify with her fears, frustrations, and feelings of pain—and at the same time remain distanced so you can liberate her through connecting her to God.
What makes this enjoyable for a husband?
What makes this an enjoyable experience for a husband is when his wife provides a safe place for him to listen. She has kindness on her lips, expresses appreciation for his willingness to pursue her heart, and lets him know that he does not need to come up with answers right now but simply listen and understand what she is experiencing. Wives need to give their husbands an opportunity to learn because most of us men feel inadequate at relating on a deeper emotional level. A little praise from a wife for our willingness to try and letting us know how it helps them feel loved will make long strides in giving us the courage to try again.
Men can tend to be unaware of the obvious in knowing what makes a women feel loved. In the same way, wives can be ignorant in knowing what makes a man feel respected. When a wife admires her husband’s willingness to pursue her heart, appreciates his taking the time to listen, and accepts their present level of understanding, she shows respect to him, allowing him to go into deeper levels of their marriage.
A woman’s influence
“The influence of applied femininity is, by any measure, incredibly determinative. In every culture, in every age, the power is awesome. And dangerous. As with any significant reservoir of power it may be used for good or ill. Its impact may be constructive or destructive. Like a mighty river, it is a force that may turn the turbines and generate power that will light up a community, a home, and a man’s whole life. But undisciplined and unchecked, it may devastate, demoralize, and utterly destroy.
“Some women have no clue how much actual power they hold, and those are the women who destroy their husbands by default. Other women are acutely aware of their power and make a conscious decision to become high controllers. But still other women, keenly aware of the power God has vested in their femininity, make a deliberate choice to use that power only for good.” (emphasis mine) —Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart, Stu Weber
I pray for wives, that they will become keenly aware of their power to do good and to help in the making of a man after God’s own heart because the making of the man is the making of a good marriage. God has given wives the power to win a man without a word, the power of a quiet and meek spirit will break a proud heart, and God’s goodness through a wife’s love that will lead a man to repentance.
I pray for husbands, that they will rise up and overcome their own inadequacy of the flesh, trusting Christ to work through them as a vessel to develop the full potential of their wives as women of God. Men, we can touch our wives deeply for eternity by simply allowing them to experience the truth that David stated in Psalm 116:1: “I love the Lord because He has heard my voice.”
Let us be strong men of good courage, fearing not what our wives can do to us, but believing what God can do through us for them.
There is not a job, an achievement, an award, or any other task that would bring us more joy and feeling of significance than that of being a noble man in Christ Jesus through laying down our lives for our wives as Christ did for the church.
Posted by Chris Hogan on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 at 15:32 PM