Intimacy happens when there is a mutual revealing of our authentic selves. Another way of saying intimacy is in-to-me-see. We desire to connect at deeper levels but we often just don’t know how. Our relationships begin to thrive when we learn how to navigate each level of authentic sharing. These connections give our lives meaning, a measure of safety, security, significance, and we become more resilient in times of tribulation.

Surviving or Thriving?

When we begin to connect at deeper levels and help one another fulfill our deepest needs and longings we experience the joy of heaven. Positions, possessions, and pleasures can never fulfill our greatest needs in the way that only comes from loving God and loving one another. We need certain things to survive such as food, clothing and shelter, but we need meaningful relationships to thrive.

Intimacy Depends upon Willingness

Simply asking questions that coincide with these nine levels of authentic sharing does not guarantee intimacy,that depends on how willing you are to esteem the needs of others as higher than your own. See (Phil 2:1-4 and Romans 12:10) Achieving intimacy requires a willingness to know the heart, to create a safe enough environment for trust to be built, and over time the heart will be opened. Remember, slow is fast and fast is slow when it comes to relationships. There are many pitfalls to avoid, but the risk is worth it – so persevere!

Different Levels for Different Relationships

Our relationships are like the tides: we come in for a time of closeness, and we go out for a time to reflect and become all God has made us to be as an individual. Depending on the state of each person in a relationship, you will experience varying levels of intimacy, and not always in order. The full Nine levels are reserved for your primary relationships, for people you are committed to helping become perfectly mature in Christ Jesus, and for those who are helping you do the same.

Discerning Who Has The Problem Determines How To Navigate The Nine Levels

If you discern someone has a problem then you will know what course to take to navigate through these nine levels. It is your job to ask wise questions and listen with an understanding heart. When we listen we are helping a person solve their own problem versus intruding upon them with our own solutions. We can give advice when they ask, until that time we can do them the greatest service by listening. Dr. Ralph Roughton has done a great job of summing up the feelings of a person in need of someone to listen, “When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen! All I asked was that you listen; not talk or do – just hear me… I can do for myself. I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and feeling of inadequacy. But when you accept as fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I appreciate your listening.”

The power of listening creates the safety for intimacy to occur. When you listen, a person is safe to say, “In-To-Me-See.” When they feel known then they will no longer feel alone. Adam and Eve experienced a great level of intimacy evidenced by the fact that they were naked and unashamed. This was not only physically naked but mentally, emotionally and spiritually revealed as well. When we can be that vulnerable and still be accepted we will find the freedom to become all God has created us to be. The perfect love of God will begin to cast out fear and we will find the freedom to reveal our true noble identity in Christ Jesus.

I like the statement that Princess Marie Louise the Granddaughter of Queen Victoria made after being asked how her dinners with two famous men went. She said, “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli I thought I was the cleverest woman in England." The key to becoming irresistible in relationship is not by how interesting you are but how interested you are!

If we order our conversations (manner of life and countenance, non-verbals, tone of voice, and words), then we shall see the salvation of the Lord in our lives and relationships. (See Psalm 50:23)

Here is a summary overview of the Nine Levels of Intimacy:

1. Cliches

Cliches are simple conversation starters such as, “Hello, how are you?” When these are handled with ease and grace then you will have created enough safety to go to the next level. People will respond to your thoughts and feelings about them more than to any words you will say. If they feel judged then they will go no further. People start here to see if it is safe to connect. How you greet one another sets the tone for everything to follow. The two most tenuous moments for the space shuttle were take off and landing. The first impression of a person is formed in the first 3 minutes of a conversation. Jesus gave us a command of being perfect as His Heavenly Father is perfect and it was in the context of greeting people “And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans do so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” (Matthew 5:47-48) Learning to greet people as perfectly as God does is the key to going deeper in your relationships. We can look at how God greeted the prodigal son as an example of a perfect greeting,“And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him” (Luke 15:20) or how he greets Zacchaeus the crooked tax collector for the first time, “And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house.” (Luke 19:5) God embraces us in the arms of his heart and lets us know that He wants to be with us, and not only does he want to, he delights to be us us. That is why perfect joy is found in God’s presence. (See Psalm 16:11) We all experience joy when we know someone is glad to be with us, if you have children you know the joy of having them race to greet you. One part of baby’s brain behind the right eye grows, according to scientists, due to the joy they experience when they know their parents are delighted to be with them.

The results of such a perfect greeting are amazing, in fact they are so amazing that if done God’s way they will make even our enemies to be at peace with us. (Proverbs 16:7) We see this in the story of Jacob and Essau when they saw each other for the first time after many years and and many trespasses. The goodness of God opened the hearted of Essau and brought him to repentance, (see Romans 2:4), which is a change of mind towards his brother Jacob who had deceived him and robbed him of his blessing. Jacob had to wrestle with God and his own heart before greeting Essau. It is the same for any of us, if we deal first with the condition of our own heart towards people and become a willing conduit of God’s love it will open others up to deeper relationship or at least a willingness to live at peace with us.

The greek word for greet or salute is “aspazomai” and it means to a) to salute one, greet, bid welcome, wish well to b) to receive joyfully, welcome. A perfect greeting or salutation was made not merely by a slight gesture and a few words, but generally by embracing and kissing and welcoming into the arms of your heart. That is why Paul exhorted the people in Rome to “Salute one another with an holy kiss.” (Romans 16:16) and many cultures still do this.

2. Facts

Facts can be personal facts about you, or non-personal facts about what you are reading, studying, or observing. People can feel comfortable sharing facts about the Bible, history, or the weather without too much risk. When you notice a person is hurting or struggling a good place to start is by asking them, “What happened that has caused you to feel this way?” or “Can you share the facts with me of what happened?” Asking these questions makes it safe for the person sharing and they can judge whether or not you are really interested in knowing their heart by how interested you are in listening. Remember, a person doesn’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. You begin building the trust necessary to go deeper into the conversation and the relationship by showing how much you care about the facts as they perceive them. This is a part of the slow is fast process.

Nobody will have all the facts in a case but it is important to see through their eyes what happened. As a listener you will gain valuable insights into a person’s perspective and belief system when you take the time to gather information and broaden your own perspective. Now is not the time to debate a person’s facts, it is time to discover their perception of reality. You are simply considering their troubles at this moment.

We can learn a lot about this stage in the conversation by reviewing how God dealt with David in the Psalms. You don’t see God interrupting David or correcting his facts as David pours out his heart to the Lord,(see Psalm 62:8 and Lamentations 2:19) this would have shut David down and we wouldn’t have the beautiful Psalms that give us so much comfort. When David is allowed to share the facts as he sees them he will later in the conversation begin to course correct himself as he does in Psalm 42 and 43 when he states to his own soul, “When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me” and after he pours out his soul and feels heard he states, “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan…”_ When we start the conversation out by asking wise questions and then listening with an understanding heart, we will see the same response as David when out of a grateful heart he thanks God for His tender mercies in considering his troubles, (see Psalm 31:7) and then in Psalm 116:1 he states, “I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live.”

We can help a person simply by being aware of our own countenance. People look into our face as if looking into a mirror, they will read it to see if we are understanding and empathetic. The degree of vulnerable, authentic sharing and intimacy will depend upon the degree of your ability to communicate with your countenance, tone of voice, and words how well you understand the deeper issues going on in their heart. It will take time and willingness to honor another by preferring their needs above your own for a season of conversation.

3. Opinions

The opinion level can be treacherous because people’s opinions often differ and it is difficult to listen when you disagree. It requires a great level of humility and laying down your life by denying your own opinions in order to honor another person by preferring them and esteeming their issues as more important than your own. When people begin sharing their own opinion they risk revealing something about who they are but if they feel safe enough they will risk being rejected to gain the reward of being connected. The noble conversationalist will help people be courageous enough to share their opinions by being considerate enough to listen to others. The opportunity for growth comes when we bring our authentic selves into the light; and through mercy and truth we are encouraged to be aligned with God in spirit, soul, mind and body.

The opinion level can also expose what we truly believe. If we have the safety to share at the opinion level then out of the abundance of the heart our mouth will speak and we will be able to bring into the light the lies that have crept into our belief system. We can discover the lies we believe about God, ourselves, others, and our future if we are safe enough to explore these thoughts without being shut down. As a listener I need to be aware of the ways I can make it unsafe and shut someone down before they can discover what is in their own heart. The following communication roadblocks can hinder a relationship from navigating through the levels of intimacy. I found these in the book “Parent Effectiveness Training” by Dr. Thomas Gordon.

1. Ordering, directing, commanding
2. Warning, admonishing, threatening
3. Moralizing, preaching
4. Advising, giving solutions or suggesting
5. Lecturing, teaching, giving logical arguments
6. Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming
7. Praising, agreeing
8. Name-calling, ridiculing, shaming
9. Interpreting, analyzing, diagnosing
10. Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling
11. Probing, interrogating
12. Withdrawing, distracting, humoring

It helps to recognize that opinions are like feelings, they are transitory and will change easily when additional information is introduced at the right time. Opinions and convictions are different, allowing a person to express their opinions gives them the opportunity to test their current hypothesis on life and to begin to formulate their thoughts and beliefs about a subject. The best way to maintain influence in a person’s life is to stay abreast of what is happening in their heart and giving them opportunities to share how they are processing life If you can do this without being threatened by thoughts that differ from your own, then you will have earned the right of access into another’s counsel chamber.

A young adult asked me to communicate to parents that when an older child shares a differing opinion or asks a question about a parent’s preference, don’t take it as a challenge or a threat or interpret as a rebellious action but recognize that the child is trying to discover for himself what is truth and what is simply opinion and preference. Every generation has to discover truth for themselves, and most importantly the person of truth, Jesus Christ. We often think that just because we gave them the truth that they have it, but the reality is that we have to own it for ourselves through a process of discovery. We discover truth by searching it out, God conceals a matter but it is the glory of people to search it out. (See Proverbs 25:2) There are two key ways people search out a matter, through complex conversations like the one we are writing about now or through trial and error, more commonly known as failure. God is not afraid of failure because he uses it to teach some of life’s most valuable lessons and as the pain increases so does our willingness to learn.

Jesus points out the difference between knowledge taught by people versus revelational knowledge that comes from the Father in Heaven in Matthew 16:17 “And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.” Peter learned by the complex conversations he had with Jesus and by the failures he experienced. Jesus was not afraid to let Peter fail, He prayed that his faith would not fail, yet he allowed Peter to deny him three times so he would learn the many lessons of not relying on his own strength. (See Luke 22:32-34)

If we don’t handle the opinion level well then our conversations will remain on the cliche and fact level and our relationships will flounder in the shallow waters of stagnation. When this occurs people will look elsewhere to find intimacy and connection. We become vulnerable to wrong relationships and addictions when our primary relationships are weak.

4. Hopes & Dreams

The root of many unsolvable relationship problems are unfulfilled dreams. One of the hopes many of us have is to be in relationship with someone who is fully attuned to our needs and willingly offers to meet them in the time we desire. Some of us even hope they will do it without our having to ask. This is not an unrealistic dream when we it comes to God, Jesus says our heavenly Father knows what we have need of before we even ask. (See Matthew 6:8) David says in Psalm 22:9 “But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother’s breasts.” The word hope in this passage means a confident expectation and a secure attachment. A mother can impart to a child a trust that will transfer unto God when she is highly attuned to a child’s needs and meets them on a consistent basis. When this doesn’t happen, which is often due to the busyness of our fast paced lives or other issues that distract a mother and father, then a child will suffer unmet needs and look to meet them in other relationships throughout their life. I find that many marriage problems reflect this reality when I meet couples who had a hidden dream when they entered marriage only to have it unfulfilled when they realized their spouse was not as attentive or willing to meet certain needs.

If you navigate past opinions then learning how to draw out the hopes and dreams of a person can be exciting. People will often come alive when they get an opportunity to share the hopes and dreams that inspire them to get out of bed every morning. Some people might be reticent if they have had their dreams dashed by a painful experience or by others pouring cold water upon the passionate fire that motivates them toward a preferable future. When you discover the hopes and dreams that people are waiting for, then you will discover what they are truly living for. This is ground you want to tread easily upon because these are the things that people treasure and ponder within their hearts. As people begin to share dreams they will start with those that have less meaning and as you draw out the deeper issues of the heart you will discover the real desires and longings that fuel their lives. We all have dreams that at times we lose touch with and those that help us re-ignite the fires of our dreams and commit to helping us fulfill them will forever be fondly remembered by us.

The ability to inspire others to fulfill their dreams is a gift each of us can give to another if we learn to skillfully navigate this level of intimacy. One of our core questions is, “Can we know God’s will and delight in doing it?” Most of us want to experience the pleasure of God’s will and sometimes we need a man or woman of good understanding to draw it out of us. (See Proverbs 20:5) Helping other people fulfill their God-given dreams is a source of great significance in a relationship. Being safe enough to entrust others with your dreams prepares you to connect at a much deeper level.

5. Feelings

When the environment is safe enough to be honest with our feelings, it is then that we begin to feel connected and the bonds of relationship are strengthened. David shared his feelings with God and became a man after His own heart. David told God, “I love you Lord because you have heard my voice” (See Psalm 116:1) Listening is the beginning level of empathy. Connecting happens when someone is willing to enter into another’s experience. Inviting someone else into our feelings makes us feel extremely vulnerable. Authentic intimacy requires a place of safety in order to become vulnerable, thus revealing who we really are. One of the greatest gifts of love in conversation that we can give to others is the safety to share their feelings. When a person is able to share their feelings and be understood – not necessarily agreed with, but understood – they sense that they are truly connected with another person. This is an intimate bonding: when someone else is able to identify with our feelings, respond appropriately, and bring us comfort. David thanked God for His tender mercies when he said, “I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.” (Psalm 31:7-8)

When we learn to, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” (Romans 12:15) we begin to experience deeper levels of intimacy and connection in relationships. The Bible talks about bowels of compassion; the ability to express the love of God by meeting a person’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. (See 1 John 3:17) When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the sufferings of others and enter into their world we will then be God’s vessel to deliver them from the pit and return them to joy. A person experiences this joy because they realize they must have value if someone delights in them enough to deliver them. David felt this way when he declared, “He delivered me, because he delighted in me.” (Psalm 18:19)

Some people can spend up to 80% of their energy repressing negative emotions. Repressing emotions will lead to all types of sickness and disease. By helping a person identify their feelings and express them appropriately, you will be doing more than most drugs could do to help them recover their overall long-term health. “A merry heart doeth good like medicine.” (Proverbs 17:22)

“Open rebuke is better than secret love” Provers 27:5

6. Fears, Failures and Weaknesses

This level is uncomfortable for many of us because we don’t trust anyone to understand or accept us if we are this vulnerable. Adam and Eve had fear and they covered themselves with a fig leaf. We have found many ways to cover ourselves out of shame but in the context of a safe environment, we are able to walk in the light and expose our sins, to confess them one to another so we can be healed. Becoming vulnerable enough to confess our sins enables our old wounds to be healed. It means taking responsibility for who we are and what we have done. When someone comes alongside of us when we are overtaken in a fault and restores us in the spirit of meekness, we feel the perfect love of God that casts out our fears and leads us to repentance. It is because someone delights in us enough to help us out of our miry pit, that we experience the joy of love. When God uses us to deliver someone from their fears, failures, and weaknesses, we can share in their joy as they say with David, “The Lord delivered me, because He delighted in me.” (See Psalm 18:19)

Common fears we experience: From the booklet “Lies We Believe”

Fears are caused by the lies we believe as we experience painful situations.

1. Fear of Rejection – are you afraid of what people think about you or what they say about you? Are you afraid that they will not only reject you but will also ridicule your physical features, your family, your mental limitations, or your moral standards?
2. Fear of Failure – Do you fear that you will not discover the purpose for which you were born? Are you afraid that you will fail the success that other people have or that you will not succeed in fulfilling your responsibilities in life?
3. Fear of the Unknown – Do you dread the future because you are afraid of what it might bring into your life? Do you consult horoscopes, or have you ever consulted a fortune teller to try to find out what is in your future?
4. Fear of Evil – Do you fear the power of evil and feel that a spirit of doom and destruction is hanging over your head? Are you constantly afraid of hearing news of bad things that have happened to your possessions or loved ones?
5. Fear of Exposure – Are there things that you have secretly done in your past that, if known, would bring you public shame and embarrassment? Are you afraid that these secret failures will come to light and damage your life?
6. Fear of Poverty – Are you afraid that you will not be able to provide for yourself or your family? Do you fear the loss of your job or your hard-earned assets? Are you over-insured in order to protect your assets?
7. Fear of Loneliness – Do you dread the thought of being alone because singleness or the loss of a marriage partner? Do you fear that you will have no one who will make you feel special or who will listen to the concerns of your heart?
8. Fear of Death – Are you afraid to die? Do you shut out thoughts of death? Do you just expect to keep on living? Have you neglected to make any preparations for your death, such as a will? Do thoughts of death terrify you?
9. Fear of Eternity – Do you fear what will happen to you after you die?
10. Fear of Loss – There are two primary motivations outside of love: a desire for gain and a fear of loss. The stronger of these two is the fear of loss.

Failures occur as we begin to make unwise decisions based on fears, which come as a result of the lies we believe. When we begin to walk in the light we are able to discern the cause-and-affects of our lives. As we navigate through the levels of intimacy we begin to place the pieces of the puzzle together, which explains our current behavior and results. We start to see the facts surrounding the painful experiences in our lives. The lies we began to believe as a result of the painful experiences start coming into the light at the opinion level. We begin to ask ourselves questions about these painful experiences, which require a story to fill in the gaps of the facts we have. The secret to our feelings resides in the stories we tell ourselves about what happened. When we begin to believe the stories we tell ourselves, we create feelings and give a foundation for our fears to rest upon. Once we begin making decisions based on our fears we will begin to have failures and be vulnerable to certain weaknesses.

It takes a lot of safety to get through this level but it is the journey we must take to get to freedom and to experience the true intimacy we all long for and desire. The apostle John knew what we needed to experience true intimacy and fellowship when he exhorted the early church, “if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.” 1 John 1:7

“Cleanse thou me from secret faults.” Psalm 19:12
“Thou hast set our iniquities before thee, our secret sins in the light of thy countenance.” Psalm 90:8

7. Needs

Sharing our needs in a way that is vulnerable (not demanding), is a sign of maturity. God wants us to recognize our needs, and desires us to ask in an appropriate way. Sharing our legitimate needs is a way of enlisting the help of others so that we can become all God has designed us to be, and do the works we were ordained to do. We all have certain needs that if met in God’s ways will cause us to thrive as His children.

We have spiritual, emotional, mental and physical needs that long to be met. These longings were placed there by God so we would search for their fulfillment and find it in Him. I’ve found that the majority of pressing issues people have when I coach them in a conversation revolve around four key questions that deal with the essential needs of the four aspects of our being. Let me share those with you in the following bullet-point summary below:

Does God delight in me?

This question addresses our spiritual needs.

• The need to know God
• The need to know my identity in Chris

Can I delight in who God made me to be? which we often ask in the form of “Do you delight in me?”

This question address the needs of our souls.

• The need to share my heart and be understood
• The need to be special to someone

Can I know God’s will and delight in doing it?

This question address the needs of our minds.

• The need to do something great
• The need to do something that last for eternity

Can I delight others with my God-given gifts and talents?

This question addresses the needs of our strength/bodies?

• The need to discover and develop my God-given gifts, talents and strengths
• The need to be recognized

8. Word

There is a difference between sharing the Word of God as a fact and at this level of intimacy. We study the logos of the Word of God at the fact level but we begin to explore the rehma of the Word of God at this level. In the greek version of the New Testament there are two words for “Word”, one is logos and the other is rhema. The logos is the written word of God for all people and the rhema is simply the written Word of God spoken to our hearts in a personal way. Once we a person knows how much we care they are now open to how much we know. When we are able to share a specific verse to address a specific need we will see truth set people free. Jesus stated, " Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word (rhema) that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." (Matthew 4:4) Paul exhorts married men to sanctify and cleanse their wives as Christ did the church with the washing of the water of the Word (rhema). (See Ephesians 5:26)

What exactly does this mean? We are to be skillful in using the Word of God in addressing the needs of people. The Word of God is likened to a sword, “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12) We can ask God for help on this level of intimacy. “The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.” (Isaiah 50:4)

As we learn to speak a word in season we will help people replace the lies that have created the fears, failures and weaknesses in their lives with the truth that can set them free to become fully mature noble men and women in Christ Jesus. We will only be satisfied when we awake in His likeness. (See Psalm 17:14)

“They that seek the Lord will understand all things.” (Proverbs 28:5)

Related reference:

• Proverbs 3:5-6
• Psalm 1
• Joshua 1:8
• Psalm 119:18
• Col 3:16
• James 1:21
• Job 23:12

9. Prayer

The greatest level of intimacy is when we form a three fold cord that cannot be broken because we are intertwined with God and one another and have become of one mind, of one heart and we are in one accord. Our greatest pleasures will always be found in spiritual oneness. When we are carnal minded we become addicted to the lust of the body and the eye in order to compensate for the weak mental, emotional, and spiritual connections in our relationships.

Prayer changes all of this because it redirects us to the One who can fulfill our longings for safety, security, significance and sufficiency. When our focus is kept on God we will begin to experience the greatest fulfillment of pleasure, joy and peace that will enable us to be strong for one another. None of us has what it takes apart from God to meet the needs of another person. That is why we experience constant failure and rejection in our relationships. Jesus said, “Apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5) and he went on to explain that “As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.” We do this by abiding in His Word and in His presence. It is only after we have abided in His love that our joy is made complete and we are strengthen to then honor his new commandment, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)

The nine levels of intimacy enable us to go from being takers into being givers. We are now able to willingly (nobly) offer ourselves in service to God and one another because we have received from our Heavenly King all we have need of.

“Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.” Psalm 16:11
“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee” (Isaiah 26:3)

“Pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.” (Matthew 6:6)

We have developed a list of questions you can review that will help you share more authentically and create a life-to-life connection.

Questions to Navigate the 9 Levels

When a safe place is created through mercy and truth, you will begin to find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and all those you are in relationship with. Authentic sharing is done by men and women of good understanding who are able to subjugate their own needs and in honor prefer one another. The balance of mercy and truth will create a safe and secure environment for people to share authentically. The process of slow is fast allows the necessary trust to develop to go to the next level of intimacy. One of the keys to navigating these levels of intimacy is your ability to restate what you are hearing. As you learn the Four Levels of Understanding you will begin to connect on all four levels of spirit, soul, mind, and body. Learning to rephrase what you are hearing to the speakers satisfaction is a major key to moving to the next level. “Every man shall kiss his lips that giveth a right answer.” (Proverbs 24:26)

1. Cliche

• I’m delighted to see you, how are you?
• It is so good to see you, how have you been?
• Good morning honey, did you sleep well?
• Good afternoon, how is your day going?
• Good evening, how has your day gone?
• It is good to see you, how have you been doing?

2. Facts

Personal facts

• What did you do today?
• What did you learn?
• Did you see God’s hand at work today?
• What is your favorite color, food, song etc.?
• What did you read today?

Non-personal Facts

• What was the score of the game?
• What is the weather forecast?

3. Opinions

• What are your preferences concerning…?
• What are your convictions about…?
• What do you think about…?
• What do you think God is saying to you through the verses you read?
• What are your frustrations about me? our relationship?

4. Hopes and Dreams

• What are your dreams about being loved? How do you want to be loved?
• What are your dreams about being respected? How do you want to be respected?
• What are the longings of your heart?
• How would you describe the life you would like to live?
• What goals do you have for your health and physical well-being?
• What area of study would you like to become an expert in?
• What would you like to be famous for?
• What would you like written on your tombstone? In your obituary?
• Who would you like to help? What do they need?
• What is your ideal relationship with God?
• Who are the people you hope to be mentored by one day?
• What is the ideal version of who you would like to be one day as a:
  • Person
  • Partner
  • Parent
  • Provider
  • Proclaimer
• What qualities do you hope to develop?
• What skills do you hope to develop?
• What do you dream about being the best in the world at doing?
• What are 10 things you dream about having?
• What are 10 things you dream about doing?
• What are 10 things you dream about being?
• Who are 10 people (groups) you dream about helping?
• What would you do if you knew you could not fail and God would be with you?

5. Feelings

• How do you feel about yourself?
• When have you felt special to others?
• What are you most passionate about?
• What do you feel about:
  • Your relationship to God?
  • Your most significant friendship?
  • Your relationship to your parents?
  • Your relationship to co-workers?
  • Your relationship with those God has given you to impact?
• How secure do you feel in your life right now? (Why, or Why not?)
• How significant do you feel in your ability to contribute? (In what way? Why, or Why not?)
• Do you feel like you are becoming the person you want to be?
• Do you feel like you belong?
• Do you feel competent in your ability to build something of value?
• What hurts have you experienced in the past?
• How do you feel about our physical intimacy?
• How have I hurt your feelings?
• How do you feel about our different love styles?
• How do you feel about our different parenting sytles?
• What stress are you experiencing? (Anger, Guilt, Lust, Bitterness, Greed, Fear, Envy)

6. Fears, Failures, Weaknesses

• What are you fears about money and security?
• What makes you feel like you don’t measure up?
• What makes you feel like your unlovable?
• What do you think would make others reject you?
• Has your enemy ever told you that you’re worse than others?
• Does anything make you feel like you don’t deserve love?
• What is the core lie of the enemy in your life?
• What do you feel you must hide from others out of fear that they would reject you?
• What makes you feel ignored?
• What makes you feel rejected?
• What makes you feel humiliated?
• What makes you feel incompetent?
• What makes you feel like a failure?
• What makes you feel inadequate?
• What are your fears about your past, your secrets and private issues?

7. Needs

• Spirit – what do you need to thrive spiritually?
• Soul – what do you need to thrive in your relationships?
• Mind – what do you need to learn and grow in to thrive mentally?
• Strength – what do you need to thrive physically?
• When have you experienced great joy?
• How have you helped others experience great joy?
• What do you need in order to be secure?
• What do you need in order to be safe?
• What do you need in order to be significant?
• What do you need in order to be competent?
• What do you need in order to become all God has made you to be?
• What do you need in order to belong?
• What do you need to be clear about?
• What do you need in order to build something of lasting value?
• What do you need to know God better?
• What do you need to feel special to others?
• What do you need in order to share your heart?
• What do you need in order to feel like you are understood?
• What do you need in order to do something great?
• What do you need in order to achieve something that will last?
• What recognition do you need?

8. Word

• What scripture is God bringing to your mind right now concerning this issue?
• What scripture can we engraft with meekness? (See James 1:21)
• What promises of God can we place our trust in?
• What words of Christ can we look to for guidance in this situation?
• What stories in scripture would be a good example for us to follow?

9. Prayer

• How can I pray for you?
• What is the most powerful thing we can agree to ask God for?
• What needs do we need to take to God in prayer before His throne of grace?
• What can we be thankful for in this situation?
• How can we pray for your offender?
• What qualities can we bless your offender with so they can become more Christlike?
• What do you want to ask God forgiveness for?
• What ground in your soul do we need to ask God to reclaim His Lordship over?
• Can I pray for you to have wisdom and grace to do good to your offender and overcome evil?

These nine levels are only a pattern for intimacy. People do not respond to a mechanical method or to words and questions; people respond to the way we think and feel about them. They want to know how much you care before they care how much you know. When we are delighted to be with someone- especially when we are willing to consider their troubles and know their soul in adversity (See Psalm 31:7-8), then they will feel safe enough to reveal what is in their heart so it can come into the light and allow for true fellowship. (See 1 John 1)

*Our relationships lack meaning because they lack meaningful conversation.* Our conversations lack meaning because we fail to listen. We fail to listen because we don’t know how to subjugate our own needs in order to meet the needs of others. This failure to hear is interpreted as the absence of care and concern. When we read the Psalms we see God’s care and concern for David in the way He listened. It was God’s listening that helped make David a man after His own heart. “I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live.” (See Psalm 116:1-2)

Don’t allow your true affections to remain hidden any longer, heed the call to come out into the deeper waters of intimacy.

Discuss this article on facebook>>

Posted by Chris Hogan on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 at 00:00 AM