1. She Needs The Stability and Direction of a Spiritual Leader

Every woman has certain needs which will only be met by a strong spiritual leader. I heard a group of women respond simultaneously to a statement “When I see my husband doing this it makes me want to be with him intimately!,” they all responded by saying, “When he is reading the Word and sharing his insights with me!” This is because it gives a woman the security she so earnestly desires and needs from a husband. A woman is not so concerned about how spiritually mature a man is but rather the direction in which he is going spiritually. There are four spiritual marks a woman looks for in her husband.

1. Desire to seek the Lord
2. Convictions based on Scripture
3. Courage to follow convictions
4. Love in whatever is done

Action Steps

• List the ways in which you are demonstrating love to your wife. Then ask her to explain which ones do or do not express love to her and why.
• Go to www.marriagebuilders.com and review the Emotional Needs questionaire to discover more precisely what makes your wife feel loved. You will need to be skilled in having courageous conversations to debrief this questionaire.

2. She Needs to Know She Is Vital to Your Life

A wife must feel like she is very special to her husband. God calls her our ezer, one who is qualified to help us, she is perfectly suited to be one who helps us fulfill our God-given adventure and mission. When we act like we don’t need her, that we have what it takes without her help then we are keeping her from the joy of fulfilling her life purpose. Have you ever wondered why women seem to come into their glory when we are at our most vulnerable and weaknest points. They feel needed and they experience God’s pleasure as they fulfill their purpose as a helper. Genesis 2:18, 20 reveals God’s purpose for creating women, we would be wise to allow her to fulfill it because without her strength, we will be stranded in our life purpose. When Peter talks of a woman being the weaker vessel, he is using a term referring to a ships vessels. A woman can be compared to a ships sails, a wise captain always knows to protect his sails because without their help his ship can be rendered inconsequential in battle.

It is our tendency as men to not share our real needs with our wives because we want them to admire us as a success. This is man’s way and it leads to destruction, God states that blessed is the man that is humble, he will be honored. Isaiah 66:2 is a powerful verse that reveals the type of men that God esteems and looks to, this is the type of men that wives esteem as well, those who are broken and contrite and tremble at God’s Word.

Action Steps

• List needs that your wife is now meeting that no other woman can meet.
• A few helpful hints are: unity with her makes your prayers heard, she is a mirror of your spiritual condition, she can give you the joy of a physical relationship without guilt, she can safeguard you with wise counsel because of her need for security, she can make your see mighty upon the earth.

3. She Needs to See and Hear That You Cherish Her

A woman feels cherished when they see us value them greatly. Her heart question each day is “Do you think I am beautiful, will you pursue me?” When we do pursue her even when she is at her worst then she will believe she is valuable to us. Most of us will miss the cues and we leave our wives alone when they tell us to, the reality is that they want to know if we will fight for them and let them know that we love them regardless. When we are in the midst of a disagreement they still want to know that we value them by showing a small sign of love like holding their hand or giving them a hug and stating that “I love you and we will work through this issue to resolve it.”

Our wives need to know that not only are needed for what they can do for us but that we delight in them as a person. Wives need to hear us rehearse the character qualities, personality traits, and family qualities that attracted us to them and the evidences of God’s leading that brought us together.

The growing proof that we cherish our wives is our ability to take unchangeable past experiences, physical features, adn personality characteristics which they have difficulty accepting and turn them into praiseworthy attributes in them. As our wives learn to veiw these things from God’s perspective, they will not only develop an inner radiance but also a significant life message.

4. She Needs to Know That You Understand Her

Every wife needs to know that their husband not only understand them but want to and are willing to sit down and hear their hearts. The primary issue of their heart is not to fix a problem but to have their husband understand their feelings about the problem. In the book For Men Only the authors give a good plan to implement when trying to meet this need.

1. First Base: Give her your full physical attention
2. Second Base: Give her your full mental attention
3. Third Base: Listen for the right thing – how she feels about the problem.
4. Home Plate: Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.

Whatever you do, don’t make her issue your issue by explaining, complaining, or blaming. Simply say “What I hear you saying is…” and try to rephrase her statements to her satisfaction. Allow her to try on her thoughts like she tries on shoes. A wife will speak from four parts of her heart, she will speak from her spirit, her mind, her emotions and her will. When you allow you wife to try on each of these thoughts she will feel cherished, understood and grateful for you as a husband. This is what closeness feels like to a wife and it is a form of making love to her.

A wife will also want to know that you understand her strengths and weaknesses in order to protect her. Wives want to succeed and need us to steer them into areas in which they will prosper and limit them from doing things that could take them off course. I know this sounds strange to some men who think their wives would not stand for being limited in anything. I will tell you that all wives will respect the man who understands them so deeply and cares enough to protect them by setting boundaries.

5. She Needs to Know That You Enjoy Conversation With Her

God says that it is not good that men should be alone, fathers give houses and riches but God gives the gift of a prudent wife. Since this relationship of husband and wife is so important and we cannot fail at it, then I would say the one thing we cannot fail to do within a relationship is have conversation. Many wives would say, “The conversation is the relationship.” Think about it, would you want a relationship in which there was no conversation, would it be a relationship? Our problem as men is that we don’t have the skills or practice in relating to women in conversation.

See the articles on having a courageous conversation for more details.

6. She Needs to Know You Are Aware of Her Presence

What makes a man irrisistible to a woman is not how interesting he is but how interested he is in her presence. When a man is aware of his wife’s presence she feels protected and loved. A woman is always checking for closeness and connectedness in her marital relationship. A wife has a way of “measuring” your awareness and her sense of closeness every day. The manners you use when in her presence tells her how much you value her. When you are consistent in these manners she will feel loved and cherished.

It is the little things that truly make all the difference, the big things like going to dinner or special occasions only happen once in awhile, she is more interested in the day-to-day activities that let her know you are thinking of her.

Action Steps

1. Stop what you are doing when she asks you a question.
2. Look her in the eye when you answer.
3. Smile when you talk, she is listeing for tone of voice and reading your nonverbals which make up 93% of your message.
4. Answer her questions or restate her thoughts with “What I hear you saying is…”
5. Tell her with your eyes that you love her.

7. She Needs You to Help Her Develop Her Full Potential

The major function of the head is to develop, train, and protect the rest of our body so that the whole being is able to achieve its highest and best purposes. In this same sense the husband is to be the head of the wife. (See Ephesians 5:23)

Action Steps

1. Learn her spiritual gift and discern her progress. Romans 12
2. Define, with her, the responsibilities which each of you have in the home.
3. Help her envision the value she brings to the home in raising the foundations for many Godly generations. Give her a vision of developing the home into a ministry center.

This information was adapted from the Rebuilders Guide which is available through www.iblp.org

Posted by Chris Hogan on Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 00:00 AM