Courageous Conversations can make a difference in any relationship. Many people experience high levels of stress just anticipating a conversation with someone they are at odds with. I have mediated three such conversations in the last week. I facilitated a conversation with a department manager who was so stressed about a decision that he felt like giving up before even having the conversation with his staff, one with a husband and wife who had come to irrational and illogical viewpoints, and one with a father and son who had given up on each other and decided to withdraw from the relationship. Each of these people simply needed an opportunity to research the most pressing issues in a safe way so each side could be heard. I would like to share with you a story that shows the value of doing one thing with consistency and excellence over a period of time.

The One Arm Judo Champion

The story is about a boy who decided to study judo. Despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a horrific car accident, he began taking judo lessons with an old Japanese master. However, after three months of training the master had only taught the boy one judo move. “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?” the boy inquired of his master. “This is the only move you’ll know—but it’s the only move you need to know,” the teacher replied.

Several months later, the teacher took the boy to his judo tournament. Amazingly, the boy won his first three matches quite easily on his way to the tournament final. However, in the championship match, he would face an opponent who was bigger, stronger, and faster. In fact, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned the boy might get hurt, the referee was about to stop the match. “No,” the teacher insisted, “let him continue.” As the match resumed, the boy’s opponent made a critical mistake—he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used the one move that he was taught and pinned his opponent. The one-armed boy was now the champion of the judo tournament.
On the way home from the match, the boy asked his teacher how he was able to win the tournament with only one move. “You won for two reasons,” the teacher responded. “First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo,
And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm.”

Master The One Move in Conversation

This wise teacher knew the value of discovering the one thing you cannot fail to do and he made noble plans and carried out noble deeds to produce lasting results. The training it takes to learn how to hold courageous conversations is similar to the training this young boy received in that it is focused on one thing that can make all the difference. You will learn to master one of the most difficult moves of conversation. Courageous Conversations are not easy, they involve dying to self, humility, meekness, mourning, hunger and thirsting for Christ’s righteousness more than defending my own, mercy, purity of heart, and peacemaking. These conversations require us to seek the interests of others before our own, but these are the very traits which Jesus said makes a man blessed, happy, to be envied, and spiritually prosperous [that is, with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions].

What Makes Your Leadership Irrisistible?

As I have traveled to foreign countries and throughout the states I have seen what makes leadership irresistible to wives, children, employees and friends, it is when a leader is interested and reveals an understanding heart. King Solomon stated "For the transgression of a land many are the princes thereof: but by a man of understanding and knowledge the state thereof shall be prolonged. (See Proverbs 28:2) A leader’s rule over a nation, organization, or family is prolonged because of his understanding and knowledge. How many families have been destroyed by men who lacked the ability to hold conversations, in which their wives and children felt understood. The type of leader Solomon speaks about is the type Peter Drucker talked about when he stated “In organizations of the past, the role of the leader was to tell. In organizations today and of the future, the role of the leader is to ask.”

The Art of Asking Wise Questions

Leaders who learn the art of asking wise questions, and then do as King Solomon stated “incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;” will be men who succeed in winning the hearts of their wives and children. This is one of the skills that we cannot fail to excel in lest all of our other efforts be rendered inconsequential. I have coached many courageous conversations where the wives have said “Honey I appreciate all your efforts of serving me in ways you think are important but I don’t feel loved because I don’t feel understood.”

Noble Leadership vs. Normal Leadership

Men let us rise up and fight for the hearts of our wives and children, by learning how to come, call and clothe. We will be wise to do as another noble leader did. King David said, “I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me” (Psalm 57:2). We will have to get out of our comfort zone and learn a new strategy for leading. The old way of come, see, and conquer will only lead us into retreat and isolation, seeking to protect ourselves while our wives and children perish because the strongman of the house, the leader has been bound by fear.

Courageous Conversation training is only one move in the art of conversation, but it is one that will slay the enemy and father of lies each time because he cannot grab the arm of mercy or truth. Press on men and be strong and very courageous, knowing the fruit of your lips will produce results that will impact eternity.

I look forward to hearing the testimonies of noble leaders who have been mighty in valor, winning the hearts of wives and children one conversation at a time.

For further resources you can order a DVD with three sessions that pertain to Courageous Conversations. Call 217-391-4169.

Posted by Chris Hogan on Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 10:32 AM