You are back at home and beginning to implement some of the things you learned and wondering just how long this will continue. Some of you wives are thinking, well I don’t want to get my hopes up so I will be skeptical and guard my heart so my husband won’t disappoint me. Your hopes and expectations are in the Lord Psalm 62:5 “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” Rejoice in all that is happening, give thanks in all things. Remember that 30% of motivation can come from an outside source but 70% of the motivation to continue on comes from seeing positive results. The number one need for many of us men is “Respect and Admiration”. The “A” words of acceptance, admiration and appreciation will go a long way to motivating us to trust Christ in Us. This is a new way of “SEEING” not doing. When we see differently we will act differently. In this world you won’t get a lot of reinforcement training to SEE differently, it is up to the two of you to SEE each other as God sees Christ in you. Think about this question “Heavenly Father, what do you want to share with your son, my husband, or daughter, my wife today, through me?” Just as God the Father shared with HIs Son, “this is my Son in whom I am well pleased” or when God the Father shared through Jesus to the disciples “you are the light of the world…” we are simply vessels of God, willing to be the flesh and blood of Jesus to those around us. When your husband is living according to the flesh and it wounds you, simply say “Ouch, that felt really unloving, have I been disrespectful to you lately?” or if your wife is acting according to the flesh, simply say “Ouch, that felt really disrespectful, have I been unloving to you lately?” then go into a courageous conversation, get the ground truth, use the talking stick to make sure you are seeing from their perspective. Remember, Intimacy is “In-To-Me-See”, look into each others hearts without getting mad or defensive and go through the process of understanding.

The combat cycle that is based on the Normal Leadership paradigm of Come, See, Conquer and then Retreat looks like this:

• Criticize
• Hold in contempt

The other spouse will then:

• Defend and fight
• Eventually Retreat into isolation

We go from intimacy into conflict and if it is not resolved we will go into isolation which means there is no relationship. To move back into intimacy you must resolve the conflict, not by winning but by understanding from one another’s viewpoint. Remember your mutual goal, it is your Noble Call which is based on God’s design, your life purpose and the needs of others. Give each other the mutual respect of staying in the conversation, keeping it safe and providing mercy and truth so our most pressing issues can be resolved.

Posted by Chris Hogan on Thursday, March 17, 2005 at 19:28 PM