In Matthew 18, Jesus lays out the keys to reconciliation and restoration. Reconciliation depends on the ability and willingess of a brother to hear you, “If your brother hears you…” (See Matthew 18:15), and it requires the skill of the speaker to have a gentle answer that will lead to resolution (See Proverbs 15:1, 16:21).

For example, Nathan made it possible for David to hear his rebuke. Esther made it possible for King Ahasuerus to hear her appeal. Daniel made it easy for his supervisor to respond to his request of choosing a different diet from that of the King.

How easy do we make it for others to hear us? How willing are we to separate the chaff from the wheat when we listen to a brother, sister, wife, child, or boss as they explain their problem?

The prophet Isaiah gives us a key to hearing and speaking in a way that people can understand and be understood. “The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: He wakeneth morning by morning, He wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned. The Lord GOD hath opened mine ear, and I was not rebellious, neither turned away back” (Isaiah 50:4-5). Our responsibilitiy is to acknowledge that we need God to give us the tongue of the learned and that we need Him to awaken our ear to understand. In each courageous conversation I have or coach I always ask God for these essentials because apart from God we truly can do nothing.

Drawing from Scripture, we see God thwarting the plans of men in Genesis 11 by confusing their language. If God is the only One who can stop the tongue, so too He is the only one who can release it. If we want to fulfill God’s plan it only makes sense that we ask Him to clear the obstacles to our understanding, giving us ears to hear and mouths to speak.

Recently I spoke with a man who attempted a courageous conversation after hearing a session I gave on communication. He shared with me that he thought his wife said he was a terrible listener, but having prided himself on being a good listener, he felt that her accusation was false. He remembered my stating, “Don’t complain, explain or blame but simply restate what you heard the other say.” She picked up on his anger by pointing out the bulging vein on his neck. He mentioned to me that he felt he was a good listener, otherwise he wouldn’t be there listening at that moment. She quickly corrected him and said, “How do I know you are listening to me, your grunts and shaking head are not indicators that you have heard me. They could mean you think I am a crazy woman.” When they completed their courageous conversation he came to a new understanding of what made his wife feel understood. It was her need to have him engage in the conversation by restating what he was hearing her say. This gave her the assurance that he was truly hearing and not just listening.

The concern of a woman’s heart is not that we don’t understand her, but that she thinks we don’t even want to understand her. She wants us to pursue her heart and she won’t know if you understand until you listen from her perspective and engage her in conversation. The key to being an irresistible leader is the ability to listen and engage in such a way that a person feels understood. When this happens, they experience ture intimacy (In-To-Me-See).

A man who understands the heart will win the heart. Psalm 116 states, “I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live.” Our wives and our children will continue to turn their hearts toward us as we listen to their cry.

I have a good friend who recently confessed that he would rather express love in many other ways rather than become as vulnerable as a courageous conversation requires. He confessed that he has caused his wife to miss out on thirty years of true intimacy. The other day as I met with him and his wife and tried for the third time to have a courageous conversation I witnessed an impenetrable barrier of understanding made up of defensive blaming, complaining, and explaining. I was so desperate for him to see the power of understanding that I filled in for him as he observed, I had a courageous conversation with his wife. The next day he told me that as he observed the conversation he realized I had become a designated runner for him and he was amazed how I was going around the bases and coming in for a homerun. He realized that he could have done the same if he could overcome his fears of being so vulnerable. During our conversation I realized that my friend had a wrong perspective when going into a courageous conversation. He thought he had to agree with his wife’s perspective, and so often she did not understand all the facts so he would attempt to correct her. I told him that he did not have take on the role of the accused in a court of law. His role was to be a vessel of God. He was to simply allow God to use him as a means of expressing God’s understanding, God’s love and God’s perspective. I explained that we don’t see God interrupting David very often in the Psalms as he was pouring out his heart, what we do see is David coming to his own conclusions after feeling understood and reminding himself of God’s nature and God’s promises. When we fully listen from God’s perspective, and allow His Spirit to bring comfort to others as we lay down our own lives, He will give mercy and truth to us as well, transforming us into His likeness and giving us resurrection life. He who seeks to lose his life will gain the resurrection life of Christ.

“Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.” (Psalm 27:7)

“In the day of my trouble I will call upon Thee: for thou wilt answer me.” (Psalm 86:7)

“He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.” (Psalm 91:15)

Posted by Chris Hogan on Friday, January 13, 2006 at 10:13 AM