Intimacy “happens” when there is a mutual revealing of our authentic selves. Another way of saying intimacy is “into-me-see”. We desire to connect at deeper levels but we often just don’t know how. Our relationships begin to thrive when we learn how to navigate each level of authentic sharing. These connections give our lives meaning, a measure of safety, security, significance, and we become more resilient in times of tribulation.

Surviving or Thriving?

When we begin to connect at deeper levels and help one another fulfill our deepest needs we experience the joy of heaven. Positions, possessions, and pleasures can never fulfill our greatest needs in the way that only comes from loving God and loving one another. We need certain things to survive such as food, clothing and shelter, but we need meaningful relationships to thrive.

Intimacy Depends upon Willingness

Simply asking questions that coincide with these seven levels of authentic sharing does not guarantee intimacy,that depends on how willing you are to esteem the needs of others as higher than your own. Achieving intimacy requires a willingness to know the heart, to create a safe enough environment for trust to be built, and over time the heart will be opened. There are many pitfalls to avoid, but the risk is worth it – so persevere!

Different Levels for Different Relationships

Our relationships are like the tides: we come in for a time of closeness, and we go out for a time to reflect and become all God has made us to be as an individual. Depending on the state of each person in a relationship, you will experience varying levels of intimacy, and not always in order. The full 7 levels are reserved for your primary relationships, for people you are committed to helping become perfectly mature in Christ Jesus, and for those who are helping you do the same.

Here is a summary overview of the 7 levels of authentic sharing:

1 Clichés

Clichés are simple conversation starters such as, “Hello, how are you?” When these are handled with ease and grace then you will have created enough safety to go to the next level. People will respond to your thoughts and feelings about them more than to any words you will say. If they feel judged then they will go no further. People start here to see if it is safe to connect.

2 Facts

Facts can be personal facts about you, or non-personal facts about what you are reading, studying, observing. People can feel comfortable sharing facts about the Bible, history, or the weather without too much risk.

3 Opinions

The opinion level is the first level of vulnerability, as a person begins to risk revealing something about who they are. If they feel safe enough they will risk being rejected to gain the reward of being connected. This is usually the level that most conversations break down because of a disagreement in opinion. The noble conversationalist will help people be courageous enough to share their opinions by being considerate enough to listen to others. The opportunity for growth comes when we bring our authentic selves into the light; and through mercy and truth we are encouraged to be aligned with God in spirit, soul, mind and body.

4 Hopes & Dreams

If we navigate safely through the level of “opinions,” then people will begin to reveal what truly inspires them. When people share their hopes and dreams they are sharing their preferable future about who they want to become and how they want to live. Helping other people fulfill their God-given dreams is a source of great significance in a relationship. Being safe enough to entrust others with your dreams prepares you to connect at a much deeper level.

5 Feelings

When the environment is safe enough to be honest with our feelings, it is then that we begin to feel connected and the bonds of relationship are strengthened. David shared his feelings with God and became a man after His own heart. David told God, “I love you Lord because you have heard my voice…” (See Psalm 116:1) Listening is the beginning level of empathy. Connecting happens when someone is willing to enter into another’s experience. Inviting someone else into our feelings makes us feel extremely vulnerable. Authentic intimacy requires a place of safety in order to become vulnerable, thus revealing who we really are. One of the greatest gifts of love in conversation that we can give to others is the safety to share their feelings. When a person is able to share their feelings and be understood-not necessarily agreed with, but understood-they sense that they are truly connected with another person. This is an intimate bonding: when someone else is able to identify with our feelings, respond appropriately, and bring us comfort. David thanked God for His tender mercies when he said, “I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.” (Psalm 31:7-8)

6 Fears, Failures and Weaknesses

This level is uncomfortable for many of us because we don’t trust anyone to understand or accept us if we are this vulnerable. Adam and Eve had fear and they covered themselves with a fig leaf. We have found many ways to cover ourselves out of shame but in the context of a safe environment, we are able to walk in the light and expose our sins, to confess them one to another so we can be healed. Becoming vulnerable enough to confess our sins enables our old wounds to be healed. It means taking responsibility for who we are and what we have done. When someone comes alongside of us when we are overtaken in a fault and restores us in the spirit of meekness, we feel the perfect love of God that casts out our fears and leads us to repentance. It is because someone delights in us enough to help us out of our miry pit, that we experience the joy of love. When God uses us to deliver someone from their fears, failures, and weaknesses, we can share in their joy as they say with David, “The Lord delivered me, because He delighted in me.” (See Psalm 18:19)

7 Needs

Sharing our needs in a way that is vulnerable (not demanding), is a sign of maturity. God wants us to recognize our needs, and desires us to ask in an appropriate way. Sharing our legitimate needs is a way of enlisting the help of others so that we can become all God has designed us to be, and do the works we were ordained to do. We all have certain needs that if met in God’s ways will cause us to thrive as His children.

These seven steps are only a pattern for intimacy. People do not respond to a mechanical method or to words and questions; people respond to the way we think and feel about them. They want to know how much you care before they care how much you know. When we are delighted to be with someone- especially when we are willing to consider their troubles and know their soul in adversity (See Psalm 31:7-8), then they will feel safe enough to reveal what is in their heart so it can come into the light and allow for true fellowship. (See 1 John 1)

Our relationships lack meaning because they lack meaningful conversation. Our conversations lack meaning because we fail to listen. We fail to listen because we don’t know how to subjugate our own needs in order to meet the needs of others. This failure to hear is interpreted as the absence of care and concern. When we read the Psalms we see God’s care and concern for David in the way He listened. It was God’s listening that helped make David a man after His own heart. “I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live.” (See Psalm 116:2)

We have developed a list of questions you can review that will help you share more authentically and create a life-to-life connection.

Questions to Navigate the 7 Levels

When a safe place is created through mercy and truth, you will begin to find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and all those you are in relationship with. Authentic sharing is done by men and women of good understanding who are able to subjugate their own needs and in honor prefer one another. The balance of mercy and truth will create a safe and secure environment for people to share authentically. Each level requires a higher degree of safety and increases the degree of risk.

1 Cliché

• How are you?
• What have you been up to lately?

2 Facts

Personal facts

• What did you do today?
• What did you learn?
• What is your favorite color, food, song etc.?
• What did you read today?

Non-personal Facts

• What was the score of the game?
• What is the weather forecast?

3 Opinions

• What are your preferences concerning…?
• What are your convictions about…?
• What do you think about…?
• What do you think God is saying to you through the verses you read?

4 Hopes and Dreams

• How would you describe the life you would like to live?
• What goals do you have for your health and physical well-being?
• What area of study would you like to become an expert in?
• What would you like to be famous for?
• What would you like written on your tombstone? In your obituary?
• Who would you like to help? What do they need?
• What is your ideal relationship with God?
• Who are the people you hope to be mentored by one day?
• What is the ideal version of who you would like to be one day as a:
  • Person
  • Partner
  • Parent
  • Provider
  • Proclaimer
• What qualities do you hope to develop?
• What skills do you hope to develop?
• What do you dream about being the best in the world at doing?
• What are 10 things you dream about having?
• What are 10 things you dream about doing?
• What are 10 things you dream about being?
• Who are 10 people (groups) you dream about helping?
• What would you do if you knew you could not fail and God would be with you?

5 Feelings

• When have you felt special to others?
• What are you most passionate about?
• What do you feel about:
  • Your relationship to God?
  • Your most significant friendship?
  • Your relationship to your parents?
  • Your relationship to co-workers?
  • Your relationship with those God has given you to impact?
• How secure do you feel in your life right now? (Why, or Why not?)
• How significant do you feel in your ability to contribute? (In what way? Why, or Why not?)
• Do you feel like you are becoming the person you want to be?
• Do you feel like you belong?
• Do you feel competent in your ability to build something of value?
• What hurts have you experienced in the past?

6 Fears, Failures, Weaknesses

• What makes you feel like you don’t measure up?
• What makes you feel like your unlovable?
• What do you think would make others reject you?
• Has your enemy ever told you that you’re worse than others?
• Does anything make you feel like you don’t deserve love?
• What is the core lie of the enemy in your life?
• What do you feel you must hide from others out of fear that they would reject you?
• What makes you feel ignored?
• What makes you feel rejected?
• What makes you feel humiliated?
• What makes you feel incompetent?
• What makes you feel like a failure?
• What makes you feel inadequate?

7 Needs

• Spirit – what do you need to thrive spiritually?
• Soul – what do you need to thrive in your relationships?
• Mind – what do you need to learn and grow in to thrive mentally?
• Strength – what do you need thrive physically?
• When have you experienced great joy?
• How have you helped others experience great joy?
• What do you need in order to be secure?
• What do you need in order to be safe?
• What do you need in order to be significant?
• What do you need in order to be competent?
• What do you need in order to become all God has made you to be?
• What do you need in order to belong?
• What do you need to be clear about?
• What do you need in order to build something of lasting value?
• What do you need to know God better?
• What do you need to feel special to others?
• What do you need in order to share your heart?
• What do you need in order to feel like you are understood?
• What do you need in order to do something great?
• What do you need in order to achieve something that will last?
• What recognition do you need?

More Discipleship Based Questions

To find more questions for your discipleship group meetings you can read Powerful Discipleship Quesitons

These 7 levels of authentic sharing were adapted from Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy”

Posted by Chris Hogan on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 at 14:38 PM

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