A Daughter’s Perspective

I write from a young woman’s perspective of what a daughter looks for from a father who has been given her heart. Of course, we as daughters may have any number of whims or desires, but what will really minister to us both as daughters and fathers will be understanding together from God’s Word the way He has made us, and the role He has called you to fill in our lives.

h4. A Daughter’s Heart Defined

First of all, it may help to clearly define what you have been entrusted with. A heart is your daughter’s greatest treasure. It is a living thing, not simply an item to be put into storage and with which title you have been entrusted so that you can clarify ownership at certain moments. The heart is a repository through which thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, and choices are ever flowing in and out. It needs the regular maintenance and tending of a wise and loving shepherd-father.

A Father’s Highest Calling Regarding Her Heart

A father’s highest calling regarding the heart entrusted to him is to shepherd his daughter into her heavenly Father’s love on a regular basis. She and you may be thinking it is all about your love, or eventually a young man’s love, but ultimately and realistically it is about her Heavenly Father’s love. His is the one love that will never change, never die, and will truly and completely fill her heart all her days. The father’s main goal then is to affirm to his daughter’s heart the truth of God’s love, and to train her how to go her heavenly Father for affirmation, assistance, protection, correction, connection, and direction. This is his highest calling, and the remainder of this article will seek to illustrate ways a father can do this as he looks to his heavenly Father and allows His love to flow through his words, actions, and attitudes to his daughter’s heart and life. As you pursue these things, I believe both you and your daughter will reap a joy, a love, and a life which you each have only glimpsed as yet in your in fondest hopes.

1. Acceptance

We are accepted by the Father as His children, not because of who we are or what we have done, but in Christ. We are accepted in the beloved. (See Eph. 1:5–6)

When a daughter shares her life, her thoughts, her world, her feelings, an underlying question her heart asks is, “Am I accepted as I am?” Your initial, loving response as her earthly father can greatly affirm to her heart the truth of her heavenly Father’s unconditional love. When she feels accepted as she is, she will gain new grace to grow into the person she is meant to become.

2. Assistance

We are imperfect children, and our heavenly Father knows our infirmities, understands our failures, and gladly lends us His strength without criticism. We have an high priest who is touched with the feeling of our infirmities and welcomes us into His throne of grace where we may obtain mercy and grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16, 2:18) He gives us wisdom when we ask, and upbraids us not. (James 1:5) His strength is made perfect in our weakness. (II Corinthians 12:9 – 10) And because of His help, we appreciate Him more and more.

A daughter’s heart is most assisted when she is able to understand the various aspects of who she is, and when she is able to verbalize her thoughts and feelings and feel heard. A father will greatly assist his daughter in finding peace and joy and being successful in her relationships with God, herself, and others, as he provides her regularly with materials, seminars, and tools which will enable her to gain a wise and godly understanding of basic human desires; aspects of relationships; interaction within herself between her heart, spirit, soul, and physical body; and how to love God with all of her being.

3. Protection

God’s Word cautions us to guard (or protect) our hearts with all diligence. (See Prov. 4:23) Jesus kept the disciples through the Father’s name and Word, through sanctifying Himself, and through prayer. (John 17) One way God contributes to our protection is by Jesus and the Holy Spirit interceding and praying for our weaknesses, character, unity, and keeping. (Romans 8:26-29; John 17:15, 21) A daughter’s heart can be greatly kept as a father purifies and sanctifies his own life and guards his own heart from false beliefs and the pollution of the world through his eyes, ears, and actions. If it is true that addictions are often a person’s attempt to medicate the pain of broken relationships with God or man, a daughter’s heart can be greatly protected as she builds strong and healthy connections with God and family members. (See # 5 below) Prayer for God’s keeping of a daughter’s heart; regularly asking for and praying for specific requests and following up on how she sees God answering them; and keeping her heart matters discreetly private can do much to create protection of a daughter’s heart.

4. Correction

Our heavenly Father corrects us for our profit, that we might be partakers of His holiness. (Hebrews 12:10-11) All of His Word is profitable for correction in order to complete and thoroughly prepare us unto all good works. (See II Timothy 3:16-17) With His Word, the Father discerns the thoughts and intents of our hearts, and follows this up by ministering grace and mercy to us in our time of need. (See Hebrews 4:12, 15-16) God does not suspect us, but He does inspect us. He provides tools (His Word, principle of fruit inspection, His Holy Spirit) and occasions, (i.e.communion) which enable us to inspect and correct ourselves. Similarly, a loving shepherd-father can enable his daughter to better live and walk in grace by providing frameworks a daughter can work through herself (or with him) when she struggles with thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors she does not want in her life. A daughter will experience grace and respond with a heart of gratitude to a father whom she perceives is not judging nor impatient, but who loves her too much to let her continue on in an unwise, unfruitful direction.

5. Connection and Affection

God the Father gave a lot to restore a connection and demonstrate His affection for us. (John 3:16) By giving up His life, Jesus has given us access to the Father. (Eph. 2:18) In order that we may know and experience fellowship with one another, God speaks His heart, and hears our own. (SeeI John 1:1-3; Psalm 62:8; 116:1-2) Our heavenly Father is a Father of love and affection, desiring to run to us, fall upon our necks and kiss us. (See Luke 15:20) He tells us He is close to those who are of a broken heart (SeePs.34:18) and He wants us to abide in His love and experience His joy. (John 15:9-11) He has promised He will never leave us, and He is faithful to that promise. (See Hebrews 13:5)A daughter’s greatest need is to be connected to her Heavenly Father at the heart level and be filled with His love. Connection and affection will probably be her number one priority in a relationship with an earthly fatheras well. Her heart is constantly checking the answers to questions like these:

• Is there a regular connection and flow of spirit between my father and I?
• Do I feel known – not simply mentally, but in spirit?
• Do we regularly connect in our hearts?

A father may or may not understand this sense of connection, but a daughter usually will. This aptitude is part of the glory and wonder of her femininity. A father can benefit from and with his daughter as they pursue this key aspect of relationship. One way to connect with a daughter is to walk and talk with her. If you hold hands while walking, you will be expressing affection at the same time. Hugging good-night, good-bye, and good-morning; tousling her hair or giving her arm a squeeze when you pass her; telling her you love her; giving her a verbal blessing; having a tone of fatherly love in your voice; are all ways to demonstrate affection to her on a daily basis. If, as a father expresses affection
to his daughter, he thinks in terms of expressing God the Father’s own love, being His arms and voice and speaking His words to his daughter, the blessing of that affection will gain even more meaning, and be more greatly treasured by his daughter. If a father has not often connected with or is not in fellowship with his daughter, he may have to limit his affection to that of holding her in his heart untill repairs are made relationally. Greater understanding, connection, and reconciliation may need to come through courageous conversations (coached,perhaps), apologies, and a changing of ways, before affection can be received as an expression of the connection of your hearts.

Once the relationship is in good standing, bonding session questions would be a place a father could start to connect with his daughter. Learning her love language and beginning to write Letters from Dad would be great steps forward in providing affection a daughter would most treasure. Because it is paramount to a daughter’s heart and life, and because fathers will probably find it challenging to truly grasp a hold of, let me share a few specific ways a father can tap his daughter’s heart into the loving heart of her God.

As a father commits his thoughts, mindset, issues, and presuppositions to God’s keeping and listens to his daughter so that he hears and understands her heart, he allows the love of God to flow through him to her. This will enable her to be set free from the lies and bondage she is experiencing. In this way, he is loving her as Christ loved the Church, and she is being purified and beautified. (I have experienced this dramatically in my own life.)

Leading is one of the roles of a shepherd. A father may more regularly lead his daughter into her heavenly Father’s presence if he asks himself and the Lord these questions:

• What is my daughter’s need right now?
• How can I uphold her in prayer?
• What can I do to bring her into contact with You (God) about this?

Similarly, a daughter could be lovingly led by these questions:

• What are you feeling right now?
• Is there anything on your heart that we could ask God about, or bring to God?
• What would be the most supportive thing your mother and I could do for you right now?
• How can I uphold you in prayer?

A father can explain to his daughter that his main desire for her is that she is always connected to her heavenly Father and because of that if there’s ever anything she is not sure how to go to God about, she can come to him and he will pray with her about it.

A father can ask his daughter:

*Have you ever committed/ dedicated your life and body to the Lord? (See Romans 12:1,2)

He can explain to her that whatever is dedicated to the Lord becomes His in a special way; He is able to keep it holy, separates it for His purposes, and becomes connected with it. A father can ask his daughter if she would like to do this, and be a witness as she prays.

6. Direction

The Father imparts direction to his children by His Word, by His life (in the form of Jesus), and by the presence of His Holy Spirit. Jesus Himself is the way. And the destination is the Father. (John 14:6) Life’s goal is God, Himself… that we might know, love, seek, follow, and abide in Him. For He knows that where our treasure is, there will our hearts be, and our life direction will follow them. (Matt. 6:21)

A daughter will pursue where her heart is. What is special to her will captivate her heart. Whom she is special to will draw her affection. She will also be drawn to the choices and manner of life of those whom she admires. It may well follow that a wise father understands that the most powerful direction to his daughter will come through her heart – who treasures it, and who gains its admiration, respect, and trust. As a father actively cherishes his daughter’s heart and wins it through his wise and loving care and attention, and as he earns her trust through understanding her heart, he will then have the joyful privilege of pointing her to the Good Shepherd; to loving and believing His Word; to cherishing and admiring the heavenly Father’s heart; and to experiencing joy in fulfilling God’s holy desires for her.

Comments such as, “I see God in you when you take care of your sister with such gentle thoughtfulness;” his own excitement for the Scripture, and God’s loving guidance expressed in it; and his expression of admiration for the godly ways and heart of people who believed and applied God’s Word in their own lives (such as Jim Elliot); are all ways a father can direct the affections and attention of a daughter to things of eternal merit.

You can read Christy’s testimony of having her first courageous conversation with her father. A Daughter’s Testimony of a Courageous Conversation

You can read more about how to draw out the counsel that is in a child’s heart Questions to Understand a Child’s Heart

Posted by Chris Hogan on Wednesday, June 20, 2007 at 03:24 AM