Here is a short story illustrating how paying attention to the details can make a big difference.

“For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse, a General was lost. For want of a General, a battle was lost. For want of a battle, a war was lost. For want of a war, a nation was lost. And all for the want of a nail.”

This example relates to heart-to-heart relationships within the family. For want of a heart-to-heart conversation a moment of building trust is lost. For want of trust, a relationship was lost. For want of a relationship, a Godly seed was lost. For want of Godly seed, a generation was lost. For want of a generation, a dynamic church was lost. For want of a church, a nation was lost. And all for want of a heart-to-heart conversation.

Example of a Heart-to-Heart Conversation

A heart-to-heart conversation allows God’s love to cast out fear of rejection in women and fear of failure in men. An example of a heart-to-heart communication is the story of Joseph after he revealed his true idenity to his brothers. Joseph’s brothers felt he would take revenge, but instead of threatening them, Joseph discerned the most pressing issue and addressed their fears. “And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them” (Genesis 50:19-21).

Joseph’s willingness to have the conversation with his family, to share God’s perspective with them, allowed the nation of Israel to prosper in the land of Egypt. This was God’s plan and He chose to use a wise and willing man to bring it about with small decisions and subsequent steps of action. “And Joseph dwelt in Egypt, he, and his father’s house” (Genesis 50:22).

One Common Fear

As I coach courageous conversations among couples and families I find one common fear among men in that they would rather choose to remain silent then take the risk of doing further damage by saying the wrong thing. I would like to remind men that it is difficult to say the wrong thing if you are truly allowing Christ to be humble and meek inside you. When you ask questions with a willingness to see through the other person’s perspective, you will begin to understand their heart. I urge you as men to not guess at what you thought your wife or child said, but to ask them to restate or clarify their answer until you can grasp in shorter segments what they are saying. As you practice courageous conversations you will begin to become proficient in each stage of understanding. In Proverbs God tells us to bow down our ear to understanding, “My son, attend unto my wisdom, and bow thine ear to my understanding.”

Let me give you four stages of developing your understanding:

1. Simple Understanding

Repeat what you heard them say using their words.

2. Mental Understanding

Rephrase what you think they mean using your words.

3. Intimate Understanding

Capture their true feelings in your words by seeing from their perspective. This begins to develop true intimacy (in-to-me-see). The call of a noble leader is to become God’s willing vessel to affirm and confirm God’s answers to the core questions of every man and woman.

The questions of a woman’s spirit, soul, mind and strenth may sound like this: Does God delight in me? Do you delight in me as wonderfully and fearfully made? Will I be able to delight in my role as a lover of my husband, my children, keeper of the home, and discipler of younger women? Will others be delighted when I use my talents, and strengths to serve them?

The questions of a man’s spirit and soul sound similar but have a different meaning: “Does God delight in me? Do you delight in, and accept the strength God has given me as a man? Will I be honored in my role as a protector, provider, leader, and father? Can I gain respect for my God-given strengths and talents?

It takes courage to let go of your own fears and self-centered perspective to become a vessel through whom God can move to reveal His love and truth. Remember, God’s love will cast out the fears of rejection and failure. His truth will restore the soul.

4. Spiritual Understanding

When we have spiritual discernment, we can understand with or without words. We are able to address the true needs of a person by yielding to God as His vessel so and He can reveal the kind of love that casts out all fear.

When a person experiences God’s love through a human vessel it confirms their belief in God’s Word. This type of understanding comes as we become a vessel of His presence and practice the skills of a courageous conversation. “For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding” (Colossians 1:9).

“Bow down thine ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply thine heart unto my knowledge” (Proverbs 22:17).

Learn more by reading the article Zero to Hero

Posted by Chris Hogan on Tuesday, August 08, 2006 at 14:00 PM

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