Some people who have viewed the material on courageous conversations think “This seems too mechanical, too long and arduous of a process to resolve issues.” They haven’t had the aha of experiencing the power of a true courageous conversation in which both parties die to their own wills and agree to seek the will of their heavenly Father.

I worked with one couple to avoid a divorce by leading them through a courageous conversation, but the wife remarked that it was very hard to have a courageous conversation. I asked her if it was more difficult to have a courageous conversation or to live a life of strife and unresolved issues that would lead to divorce. Her husband said, “The alternative to a courageous conversation has been a very difficult marriage filled with bitterness and anger.”

You will either experience the pain of regret, which lasts a lifetime, or the pain of dying to self, which lasts a moment but leads to resurrection life.

I find that men who refuse to die suffer more pain by wiggling around on the cross than those who quickly commend their spirits unto God and die to self. Those who fight death to self end up getting their knees broken. Proverbs states that a man who is often reproved but stiffens his neck is cut off without remedy. Wives and children will break relationships and cut you off emotionally if you don’t bow down your ear and incline your heart to understanding. As men we believe we resolve issues well—we get to the root and believe that we are able to see into our wives’ hearts but our wives don’t always share our opinion. When our wives need rescued from the “ocean of emotion” we feel overwhelmed and inadequate for the task, so we ask yourselves, “Why even try?” and we end up avoiding the issues rather than resolving them. Fighting for our wives, our daughters, and our sons demands that we come, call, and clothe our families with mercy and truth.

God says we must seek wisdom, the principle thing; gain understanding, which is a listening heart; and find the knowledge to take the next step so that we may raise up many Godly generations. If our seed is to be mighty upon the earth, it will be as a result of teaching our families to exchange their lives for the life of Christ in them.

During a Counseling Seminar in Indianapolis a while ago I watched a fifteen-year-old boy become a man. His mother and father approached me and asked if I could help them have a courageous conversation with their son. I agreed and began the conversation with the father and the son while the mother was occupied in a session.

I was very impressed with the honesty of the son. He said his most pressing issue with his mother was his pride. He acknowledged that his pride was causing strife in their relationship, and we went on to answer each question. Part way through the courageous conversation, his mother joined us and was able to ask the rest of the questions. We had to go on to
the next session, but decided to finish the courageous conversation later that night.

When we reconvened later that night, the son began to ask his mother the questions, with both his father and myself in the room. I explained that two essential elements of a courageous conversation were (1) humility (with the goal of gaining wisdom as he humbled himself) and (2) a listening heart (with the goal of truly understanding his mother’s perspective). We prayed
and asked God for wisdom, understanding, and knowledge and began the remainder of the conversation.

His mother felt the most pressing issue was his disrespect for her authority. He expressed what he heard her communicating and was able to add a Scripture that related to her words. He then asked if there were any other issues, at which point she said, “When you cock your head in a way that shows disrespect, it makes me feel unworthy of love.” Her vulnerability and honesty revealed the real issue to this boy, and it called forth the man in him to rise up and protect his mother. We discussed her feelings and how they have plagued her since she was a little girl. She began to see how these feelings of rejection were causing fear in her. She had been trying to control her son’s responses and demand his respect. She had made her son into an idol. She was seeking from him what only God can give, the unconditional love that gives her the security to meet the needs of her children instead of demanding that they meet her needs.

We continued by asking, How does this affect you? and What will the future be like if nothing changes? Each of her answers was clearly understood by her son, and he was able to give additional insights as he rephrased what he was hearing. He was clarifying for his mother the deeper issues as he allowed God to give him insight. At one point we all were in tears as we witnessed this son become a man. We could see God’s purpose for this son being given to this mother, just as Jesus took responsibility for His mother and then gave that responsibility to John, the beloved disciple.

This son was willing to be the vessel God could use to reveal His unconditional love and respect to His daughter, the mother of this young man. This young man became a noble man by being willing to die to self and respond according to the life of Christ in him. Christ came through this young man and deeply touched the heart of his mother, bringing healing to past wounds and hope for the future. This young man experienced what it means to lose your life and then to gain it. This mother experienced what it meant to let go and lose her boy only to gain the protection of a young man.

That night I witnessed the power of God working through a fifteen-year-old son. He gave some of the most insightful answers I’ve witnessed in my experience as a courageous conversation coach. He truly demonstrated the power of a listening heart; he was being a man of understanding. When we began the courageous conversation, we prayed that God would give him the tongue and the ear of the learned (see Isaiah 50:4-5). I saw the Lord grant that request.

The next day this young but noble man shared with me how he had experienced the power of dying to oneself and losing his life but regaining it in the power of the Spirit. He wanted to continue to experience this life of Christ and the significance that comes from being a vessel of God to impact the lives of those around us. This young man encouraged my heart to continue to yield myself to death on the cross with Christ so that God’s Spirit might heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.

The more quickly we commend our spirits into God’s hand, the faster we will gain the resurrection life of Christ in us, the hope of glory. The honor we seek is not found by demanding it from our wives and children or by seeking it through positions, possessions, and pleasures. It is found on the other side of the cross, when we lay down our lives and allow God to use us as vessels to significantly impact those whom we love.

Today’s battle is for the hearts of our wives and children. The man who understands the heart will win the heart. God will give us the weapons we need to win this war. He will give us understanding and listening hearts if we ask, like Solomon did.

“And I looked, and rose up, and said unto the nobles, and to the rulers, and to the rest of the people, Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible, and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses” (Nehemiah 4:14).

The alternative to not engaging in the battle is to lose many Godly generations. Rise up, ye men of God. Lead nobly. Come, call, and clothe your families with mercy and truth so that sins may be purged and our loved ones will fear the Lord and depart from evil. (See Proverbs 16:6.)

Posted by Chris Hogan on Monday, May 01, 2006 at 10:52 AM